以学生习作为例剖析托福雅思大作文常见错误

以学生习作为例剖析托福雅思大作文常见错误

昂立外语托雅  郑伟

托福和雅思考试的大作文（即议论文）出题方式基本相同，涉及生活、教育、媒体、经济、社会、环境等相关话题。在以往的教学经验中，我发现考生常出现一些类似的错误，大致可以归为这样几类。

以下就以我的一个学生写的作文为例，看一下常见的错误以及修改方法。

这道题目属于媒体类话题，关于广告对于人们购买行为的影响。附上雅思强化班学生Amy的习作及讲评。该学生词汇量约5000，词汇量已经过关，但是运用词汇时常有小错误。写作文的思路有时有些偏差，因此建议她更加细心，写完之后留时间检查，并且多读范文，遇到考题认真整理思路。

题目：Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Hard to deny, messy commercials on TV are becoming an integral part of our daily life. Due to it（改为them,因为指代的是前面的commercials）, the sales data registers a continued peak, which, to some extent, reflects the ever-changing requirements of customers. However, does it always true? (谓语使用有误，应该是is it always true?)

Advertisements, as one by-product of modernization and globalization, act as media exposing the encompassing markets cared for（建议改为catering for） the customers’ all-round needy(needy 是形容词，表示穷苦的，贫困的。这里应该改为needs). Advanced digital products in terms of (in terms of 在这里使用不恰当，它并没有列举的作用，而是表示“按照，依据，就…来说”.因此建议改为such as)cameras, computers, intelligent robots…the list is endless, are introduced extensively through this kind of access, thanks to which, our potential needs can find ways to be fulfilled and even to be further provoked(这句话整体写得很好！). Additionally, the advanced scientific treat pills aiming at unique groups who deadly need（建议改为 who are badly in need of. 因为need常与badly连用，而非deadly） help would find no more continent and efficient approach to step into the public other than by advertising.Both of these cases are but a few of many that exemplify the situation that advertisements serve as information intermedia.

But hardly can all the advertisements function under this situation. Promote-oriented (Promotion-oriented) commercials, involving in(去掉in) price reduction, gifts return policy; (and / or) even small scale gamble would illustrate another phenomenon that customers are purchasing on an impulse of curiosity or recreation. The categories of children and youngsters (what kind of category? 表义不够明确) are inclined to be influenced most both physically and psychologically. That’s why these advertisements are colored presented and elaborately refined, with common products in effect. Not only does(改为do,主语是commercials，复数) these commercials torture customers’ real needs, but also a staggering number of other counterparts exaggerate the needs by conducting misleading and fake information. Numerous statistics is shown（is shown改为show或者showed。这里是主动关系，数据表明…） that the gap between advertisements and genuine products are far prom dim.

Finally, to a substantial level, the large profits brought by advertisements are the consequence of well（well是副词或表语形容词，一般不作定语修饰名词。因此这里可以改为excellent / good/ wonderful） interaction between enterprises and individuals; otherwise, there coexist imperative demands to handle ill-intentioned advertisements representing fake bandwagon.

当时批改的评语：这篇文章还是秉承了你词汇丰富的一贯作风，单词使用变换灵活，效果非常好，能看出语言功底。但是该文章中有两个问题。第一：还是要注意用词、语法的准确性，写好后不妨花两分钟的时间检查一下，发现里面基本的失误，加以修改。第二：指代要清楚，句式使用要兼顾首尾，保证准确，词的搭配和短语的使用方法要确定好了再用。

写作的条理很好，三个层次比较清晰，看得出思路不错。范文在后面，这篇是雅思考试的高分作文，可以借鉴一下它的文风，语言比较简洁，而且很流畅，遣词造句非常准确。

高分范文：

Nowadays, there are lots of advertisements on television or on the streets. Some people think that the advertising boosts the sales of goods and it encourages people to buy unnecessary things. This argument may be true. In my country, many advertising companies produce advertisements with famous and popular actors or singers. People, especially youngsters, buy goods that their favorite singer advertises, although they do not really need the products.

Also, on the television screen, a product may look gorgeous and good quality. As a result of it, people often buy goods without enough consideration. Consumers may not actually need it but they buy goods impulsively soon after they watch the advertising. Furthermore, as many customers buy a particular product due to its advertising campaign, the other people may be affected by the trend, even if the product is not of the real needs of the society.

On the other hand, there are various aspects against these arguments. Moreover, it is people’s choice to make a decision to buy goods. Advertising may be not a cause of customers’ buying habits. Individuals have their own spending habits. If they have got enough disposable income, then the right to make a decision is given to them. No one actually can judge whether the goods sold are the real needs of the society or not.

In addition, as there should be a limited amount of disposable income consumers are able to spend, people try to allocate their budgets. They cannot be simply swayed by those advertisements.

In conclusion, as customers have their own strong opinions and standard of high quality goods, it is better to leave them to make their own decision in buy goods. It is fairly difficult to say everyone is swayed by advertising and buy good impulsively. However, in some area of businesses such as toy industries, it may be necessary to band advertising to those children as children have not got enough ability to control themselves or know what they need. 

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